Today’s blog is written by Chaplain Rob Mifflin.
Grief in children often differs from that in adults. Children’s signs of distress and grief may be very discreet, or they may be quite obvious. Depending upon their age, kids may not understand what they are feeling or how to express it. They will often take periodic “grief breaks” and endeavor to get “back to normal” quickly.
Teenagers, especially, desire for things to be normal around their friends so they work hard to keep feelings to themselves. This may work for a while but heavy emotions eventually find a way out and the adolescent may begin to act out in ways that are uncharacteristic. This behavior can range from mild tantrums to dangerous, life-risking behavior like reckless driving or acts of violence.
Children need someone to whom they can unload these heavy emotions (burning God-questions, anger, resentment, deep sadness, deeply-rooted fears) but they often do not know with whom it is safe to reveal such personal thoughts and feelings. Here are some ways you can be a safe person for a child experiencing grief.
Support Grief in Children by Walking With Them
1. Involve Children As Much As They Would Like
A parent’s nature is to shield children from painful experiences. However, this is often more about the adult not knowing how to handle a child’s grief. Instead, it is helpful to inform the child of what is going on with clarity. Invite them to be as involved in the journey as they would like. If possible, ask them what they want to happen at time of death. Do they wish to be informed when death is iminent? Do they want to come and be with their loved one and family? Make sure they know there is not a right or wrong thing to do.
Likewise, children often find meaning in being involved with the funeral plans and ceremony. Children need to know that death, funerals, cemeteries and grief are not for adults only, but relevant to them as well.
2. Be Vulnerable and Honest
Children will take their cues about how they are ‘supposed to do this’ from the adults closest to them. You don’t need to convey to a child that you have all the answers to their questions. Be honest and tell them, “I don’t know why your dad had to die now when you need him so badly.” Don’t hide your tears or your feelings from them – even shared anger or resentment. Be vulnerable about the God questions (you may be dealing with them too). Hiding your feelings from a child may unintentionally communicate that it is not okay to share feelings of grief. Being honest helps the child know that you’re safe and that you understand how they feel.
3. Never Disguise Information
Use clear and understandable terms when giving children information about a person who is dying (or has died). Saying they’re “asleep” or “resting” or ‘they’ve gone away/gone home” may inadvertently add to their distress and anxiety. Children are perceptive and they can see right through these disguises even though they may be too young to understand the details. Studies have shown that even infants express/respond to grief being experienced in a family.
4. Don’t Be Afraid to Use a Loved One’s Name
Children and adolescents (and adults too, for that matter) may fear that their loved one will never be mentioned again. This may add to their fear of forgetting them. Children usually want to hear the name of their loved one and hear stories about them, thereby giving them permission to share their own stories.
We hope these tips for working with grief in children are helpful. Read Part Two of this Grief in Children series here. If you would like more help to support grief in children or adults, reach out to us at
317-735-6001.
Be sure to check out Part 2 of Tips for Supporting Grief in Children here.
